Star Gazing at My Love

I wrote this in my journal today and thought it was worth sharing….

I am just going to type it exactly as I wrote it originally because I like the honesty and simplicity of it.

“I am reminded of the girl that day I saw at Slab Creek. I sat on top of the waterfall, watching the water fall off the upper level and foam at the bottom and the current pull the water out towards the main fork of the river. And I saw me-I was so happy and complete. I had so much understanding and compassion.At the timeit was something to strive for. Because I still had anger and hurt in me that hadn’t left my insides. But I loved the way it felt when I saw myself so free and clean. I never forgot her.

I am still striving for towards her. I might always be striving but the anger and hurt is less and less. My understanding is in check by my acceptance of the way this life presents itself. Sometimes you don’t end up the winner but sometimes you recieve joy, small encouragemetns from the universe. Sometimes big smiles from the expansive life force that binds the pure of heart with all that is equally whole in nature. Sometimes I feel apart of that. It is amazing to behold, in the past I would jump up and down it would make me feel so alive, I made noise but now I feel more humbled. I feel speechless my body wants to move around but I crouch down as low as I can and listen to the peace.

My head is not always a pleasant place. I guess the extreme opposite of these wholly filling emotions are sometimes more of what I feel in connection with. It sickens me. My life force quits and dies. And I have this horrible tendency to look to other people for a solution.

But they are not who I should look to. They offer no comfort or peace. They never will. And that is  a fact. So when I get up on the saddle and I feel like I am riding high and can see all the lovelies in their appropriate positions- when my vision and perceptions are clear, I wonder how does it stay like this forever?!?

I don’t forget the beauty at any point though.

There is beauty in pain as well-

but I live on everytime-

and feel so much more capable every day of being a healthier person.”

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Oh! the places you will go….

I am done letting all these selfish, uninspiring, disgusting leeches suck the life force from me. Honestly. It’s time to get some shit done. I am breaking away from the pack. I am not bitter, I have no grudges with anyone, I have taken the past week to say good-byes in my heart and commit to rewriting my future.

I say re-writing my future because I know for a fact that we truly do create our reality. That is a huge concept. I finally get it.

And I know what I want and I’m not going to sit around saying “I want to do this”–I am just going to do it.

Maybe you have been in a race before. And maybe the opponent was not really a threat–you knew you would win before it began. So you didn’t really try. And maybe you actually ended up losing but it wasn’t because of your capability, it was because you flat out didn’t try. Because you didn’t need to prove it to yourself.

I have gone thus far in life not even competing.

My passion is not writing or drawing or any one thing in particular–my passion is just quite simply…my imagination.

Edmund Burke said “There is a boundary to men’s passions when they act from feelings; but none when they are under the influence of imagination.”

I guess what I am trying to say is that my imagination is about to be revealed in a very big way. And that is the only promise I can guarantee.

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There is such a fine line between corny and heartfelt. It’s sometimes a hard line to follow.

My mom always just says “follow your heart”

i think that is horrible advice.

follow your freaking gut.

Lemme show you the difference. If my heart were to lead me, I would be dwelling on how bad it hurts right now. I would feel sad and I wouldn’t feel like doing anything but feeling sorry for myself.

boohoo.

I prefer to bounce back with such vigor that is admirable to some and alarming to others. it doesn’t often happen but it is what I strive for. So if I listen to what my “gut”  tells me–it says!!!! You need to go back to school. And I need to get some things done really fast. I need to make a lot of cash which for some reason is actually possible right now… and it says…move on.

From mostly everything. Fresh start in big ways.

But my heart keeps holding on to the hope that all this, isn’t the past yet.

Someone called it putting a pause on everything.

pauses always sounded painful when you did to a cassette tape.

i would always be afraid it had eaten the tape.

maybe this tape needs to be eaten…..

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Forgiveness….and whatnot.

The technical definition of the word forgive is to stop feeling angry or resentful toward (someone) for an offense, flaw, or mistake.

In my little mind, I always thought when you forgave someone, you let go of the anger, overlooked the wrong and reverted back to your sentiments prior to the offense. But the last part isn’t necessary. In actuality, you can forgive someone and they don’t even have to know. I literally did not know the true meaning until  I looked up the definition just a few days ago.

So my thought process basically went like this:

First, I looked back on several situations where I was wronged, forgave the person and continued forth with our relationship only to get hurt yet again and the cycle basically repeated.

Then I wondered why I would do this over and over and not realize that it was a pattern?!?

That led to research on co-dependency because it seemed like a possible explanation for my actions.  This term is pretty self explanatory but I learned that it is a behavior that is passed down usually through generations and basically boils down to putting a relationship or another person before your own well-being. Co-dependents identify love as being needed, they latch onto needy people and develop toxic relationships that create feelings of helplessness. Several different articles I read mentioned the word “maryter” and how a co-dependent person feels as if they are a maryter. Lordy. I could show you probably a thousand journal entries over the course of my life where I have written the phrase “I will die a maryter.”

It just blows my mind when I think about all the therapists I have been to that never helped me put all this together. Now that I have had my “ah-ha” moment, it seems so obvious and simple but it has taken 28 years to realize.

It’s a small step in the right direction.

Philosophers and self help gurus swear that forgiveness is the key to healing and self growth. Any mental health professional will tell you the same. I originally started this post with the intentions of warning everyone struggling with forgiveness not to waste their time because it doesn’t make you feel better but my sentiments have changed. You can forgive someone without them ever apologizing and it doesn’t mean that you have to remain friendly with them after the fact. And that for some reason is extremely liberating to me and I hope if you are struggling to forgive someone, maybe this angle will be to your advantage as well.

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Liar Liar

My left cheek has been pretty sore for a couple of days. Last night when I tried to go to sleep, the pain was really intense. I got up to check it out in the light only to discover the left side of my face was swollen. I’ve never had an abscess tooth, I’ve barely had a cavity in my entire life. The pain was pretty severe so I figured I might need to go to the ER.

wow.

big mistake.

During the 2 hours I waited to see a DR. I saw a mexican lady fall unconscious to the floor and a pregnant crack head pull 45% of the skin off her arms. It got to the point that I didn’t care how bad it hurt because I was so freaked out. I was planning on visiting my granny today in east texas, so I decided to just head her direction earlier than planned and check out the hosipital in the rural area she lives in. 

wow.

big mistake. 

I arrived at her house exhausted and in severe pain. It was pretty obvious that my face was swollen and I figured she would realize that it was painful and I needed to see a DR. Instead, she threw a fit about my clothes saying that she wouldn’t take me in public in my pajamas, insisted I take a shower and then promised to take me to get my hair done instead of anything involving a doctor. 

So now not only did I feel like crap but apparently I looked like it too. Eventually it became obvious that she wasn’t sympathetic to my swollen jaw and she very hatefully told me to “get my little ass back in my car and leave if I didn’t want to be there.” 

So there’s that. 

Another hour of waiting at the rural ER and I decided that the thing going on in my mouth wasn’t worth the trouble so I drove the hour and a half drive back home. 

After sleeping all day, my mom finally came home from work. I asked if she had spoken to my grandmother. She said she had. I could tell the way she said it she was pretty angry about something. My grandmother had told her that I had blown through the house cussing and being uncouth. 

wow. 

unbelievable. 

the second time in a week a down right lie has been said about me. I swore to my mom it wasn’t true but she didn’t really seem to believe me. Why would she? I have been cussing and moping around her house ever since I got here a little less than a week ago.

Deciding I needed a break from all the weirdo’s in my life, I grabbed my dog and headed to my ex-boyfriend’s house. These days we are just friends but he gives good advice and seems to effectively calm me down. I made it about 7 miles down the highway when my car ran out of gas. 

I kid you not. 

I couldn’t make this up if I tried. 

So I coast down the exit and call my mom to rescue me. While I was waiting my ex-husband called.

All day he has been super sweet. I had texted him about my mouth trouble and I’m also having some other issues that I am kind of embarrassed to put on here but all day he has texted encouraging words. He was as upset as I was that my grandmother was so unkind. When I ran out of gas I texted him and he ended up calling again.

A month ago we had talked about getting back together.

But then I ran into a mutual friend at the bar and he had told me that my ex didn’t want to get back with me because he thought I had a boyfriend and was playing with his heart. That was the final straw because it wasn’t true and it hurt to think he thought I was such a mean person. 

Tonight I confronted him about it.

He said that our “mutual” friend fabricated a lie. 

People and their stupid mouths. 

I really don’t get it.

So, I think I am done trusting for a while. Actions speak louder than words. People will tell you whatever they want and they don’t care about the repercussions so hopefully I can be wiser from here on out.

One good thing about all these bad things that seem to keep happening to me–I don’t really get angry about much these days. I feel to defeated.  One day, I know I will be back on top and I will be a better person for it.

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A Catch Up

These days I am flying solo. I have neglected writing through all of this–I did buy a sketch book that I have documented in frequently with some writing but most times these days I just kind of muse. Just kind of doodle and muse. People absolutely blow my mind. Floor me. I have no idea how to relate anymore.

So my ex-husband and I didn’t work out. I don’t wanna drag that all over the inter-webs but it didn’t work out and I have thought this whole time it would work out over time but at this point–I’m past it. So much became clear to me when we seperated that I don’t think I can allow myself to go back. 

Because the past 5 months have been brutal. 

And I’m still here, having “fun”. Hanging in there! Big smile…turn annnnnd wave! 

I ran off to California after losing my job in Dallas. I tried to run away from my problems. I ended up realizing a lot in the two months I was gone, like how I need to get genuinely happy before I let some guy near my heart. Biggest lesson I learned. Simple one but you know I had never asked myself what I wanted in so long that when I did finally ask myself–I didn’t have an answer. And that tells me that I’m not happy–I’m not driven and I’m not doing anything but wallowing in some long, drawn out thing that died before it ever began. And any guy that gets swept into the thing that is my jet stream, will not be wholesome during this debacle. 

Because I beat myself up to much. 

So that’s the first thing I want. To quit beating myself up. I ran away to California because I have never lost a job before in my life and when I lost the first job I had had since my seperation, it freaked me out. I thought, I really did–I thought that somehow without him beside me that I was not capable of holding my shit together. And so I left to be with my supposed best friend. 

 I washed dishes for 2 months. I loved it. I listened to music, zoned out and busted suds happily. So then the place was going under and I got laid off. Losing my second job in a row. And it sent me reeling. All I could think was ABORT! RETREAT! GO HOME! and so that’s what I kinda planned on. For the first time in my life I didn’t have the confidence that I was an asset. And then I met a dude. 

And I dunno really what happened there. Wrecked my set. Blew my battleship out of the water. Didn’t see it coming from a mile away and got totally caught off guard. And then as quick as it happened it was over. So here I kinda bobble around in the water still getting my bearings from the whole thing. There is so much to focus on! I have a new job, I have friends around that I haven’t seen in a couple of months, there are issues to “work” through–and all I can do is wonder about something that clearly wasn’t meant to be. 

And I become frustrated and lose track of what I’m thinking about. People. Don’t trust’em. Don’t trust them till you’re tough enough to take rejection. 

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Oeste Este ART

http://www.flickr.com/photos/58414413@N03/

if you click on my post you will be able to see a couple of pictures–for some reason they aren’t showing up in the preview. They are pretty rad if I do say so myself! i dunno maybe it’s just my computer?

My friend is creating some really unique pieces of art that I think are pretty incredible. The link above will take you to his flickr page where you can see everything he has up. He draws all this stuff–his style has really advanced over the years but he has always been so good. He draws it and then paints it with photoshop. He is insane with a paint brush and oils as well though.

Going Nowhere

The Getaway Plan

He’s not selling anything–although he might if offered–just wanting to generate some support and feedback for him. Hope you enjoy!

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