So a week has passed since my previous entry and my anger has somehow resided and I was able to gain a bit of clarity yesterday. I feel as if I understand what needs to be done to change my situation now. I see what is causing the distress and it is something I can change. I realize that here lately I have been whining a lot and feeling sorry for myself–I have had the blues but that is no excuse to continually host a pity party. A lot of my misery is the result of poor decisions I have made in the past where I more or less didn’t think about the consequences. I have become somewhat of a miserable person during the course of actions that have taken place in the past year and prior to this past year, I was pretty miserable in my marriage so my thoughts on the matter is that I have developed the habit of stinking thinking. I always thought, honestly, that my depression was situational and that if I ended the relationship, that I would have relief and become a happier person. However, it wasn’t a nice clean break–and I really don’t feel like I have closure on the matter to this day. It has caused me to feel as if I am stuck in the past. Maybe I should consider an anti-depressant but I feel that before I consider that option I should incorporate exercise into my daily routine, continue with a healthy sleep schedule and avoid stress. I can’t justify taking a pill when I’m not meeting these needs for myself. I know it seems nerdy to document all these things in a blog but I will succeed and I hope that there are those that read this blog that understand the struggle and through my introspection, can realize contributors in their own lives that are leading to their unhappiness.
I am a creative person and when I feel creatively blocked which is how I have felt these past 6 months, I think that leads a lot to my unhappiness. The reason for me feeling so blocked is for lack of space to create while I am currently living with my mother. Drawing and writing is great but I am a little more hands on and NEED to sew, to paint, to spin yarn, to felt, to paint furniture. When I am consistently creating things that I am proud of, I feel productive and accomplished. This may seem like a trite little thing but it is an integral part of my being and the fact that I have neglected these needs are probably a large part to do with my current mindset. I really need to get out of my mom’s house–I am so appreciative that she has helped me as much as she has, I am extremely grateful that I have had the opportunity to get on my feet financially and have the worry of rent taken off my shoulders but it is time for me to move on. I plan on doing this once I have paid my debt to her and have a small nest egg saved.
The loneliness that I feel from being single, really gets the best of sometimes. I do fine for a while but then I meet someone and the company feels nice and sometimes it ends up sucking me into a not so great situation. So I have to be strong, I don’t need a boyfriend and I am not looking for a husband but sometimes, I remember the feeling of being in love and I crave it. The disappointment of not finding it time after time seems to be taking a toll as well but I think if I just wait to seriously date till when I am living on my own and wait till I am truly happy and in a position to deal with the stresses of a relationship in a more mature manner, I think then it would be a more appropriate time when I could actually find someone worth investing in. My judgement feels really cloudy right now. Well, good pep talk. Time to bring this to a close.