human behavior

So the holidays are over and I feel pretty relived. Thanksgiving was great, Christmas was pretty hard emotionally and I wasn’t able to afford presents which I realize is not what Christmas is about but I really enjoy giving so I was pretty bummed about that. New Years Eve was just another day/night really.

The few times I have written on this blog the past 6 months or so I have been writing about how I want to just be independent really from depending on others to lift my mood. I talk about it a lot but I keep committing the same mistakes.

So, back in October my ex-husband and I tried to work things out which lasted for 1 month exactly. He fell back off the sober wagon and I just don’t want the rest of my life to be this roller coaster of things are great/things really suck bc he is using again and ruining both our lives. If you have never had to deal with an addict, I don’t think you can fully wrap your mind around how hard it is to just turn your back on them. Yes, drugs are bad. Yes, they make people do bad things but if you knew those people prior to their addiction and you know how good a heart they have/had–you see the substance controlling them and their actions and you just get this mentality that if they can just sober up everything will be like it was. That isn’t the case though. It is a really hard lesson to learn. My ex-husband had been sober for a few months and we had been talking on the phone as friends and I was extreamly proud of him and so happy to hear him talking like himself again. But he ended up losing his job and went back to his old habits almost instantly. I got it in my head that I could prevent it from getting really bad like it was before if I could convince him to go rehab. He ended up calling and begging me to take him to rehab so I didn’t hesitate, I went and picked him up from west texas. I never anticipated it would be so hard to find him help. I thought it would be the same as mental health and we would be able to find him a free place but the rehab facilities available for low income were based off last years income and he made good money last year. The ones that would take anyone seemed more like a prison. And the nice ones cost an arm and a leg. That was a hopeless feeling. He started going to NA meetings frequently, we began to run a mile everyday and he started making juices from vegetables and fruits. But I guess the monkey on his back got the better of him and eventually one night, he ended up taking my car while I was asleep and got high. He was up for 3 days after that and it was like a nightmare so I had to face facts and just walk away.

If I had the makings of trust issues before, I would say they are huge issues now. I really don’t know how to move on from this point. I know for certain that I don’t want a guy in my life for a very, very long time and I know that I will never have sex with anyone without protection ever again. How stupid can you get? I know that I look at myself now and I don’t resemble anything I recognize. I work part time at a clothing store and make pennies. I haven’t finished school, I haven’t done anything responsible for a really long time but instead I have run from relationship to relationship and every time something worse seems to happen.

The fling dude has been trying to woo me. I say I am going to stay home in my pajamas and he begs me to come out with him because he doesn’t know anyone here yet and needs to get out of his house so never fails, I get dressed and go. None of my friends take no for an answer. I get walked all over. I am tired of my behavior. People are about to get their feelings hurt but if they don’t fuck off I am going to end up in the loony bin. PEOPLE ARE WEIRD.


About lilmommacass

I worry about the environment. I cloud gaze often. I dream of the sea. Doodler. Waitress. Nomad of sorts. River swimmer. I have a small westie named Lulu that I sleep with like a stuffed animal. And maybe one day they will say, "and who was she really anyway?"
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