Star Gazing at My Love

I wrote this in my journal today and thought it was worth sharing….

I am just going to type it exactly as I wrote it originally because I like the honesty and simplicity of it.

“I am reminded of the girl that day I saw at Slab Creek. I sat on top of the waterfall, watching the water fall off the upper level and foam at the bottom and the current pull the water out towards the main fork of the river. And I saw me-I was so happy and complete. I had so much understanding and compassion.At the timeit was something to strive for. Because I still had anger and hurt in me that hadn’t left my insides. But I loved the way it felt when I saw myself so free and clean. I never forgot her.

I am still striving for towards her. I might always be striving but the anger and hurt is less and less. My understanding is in check by my acceptance of the way this life presents itself. Sometimes you don’t end up the winner but sometimes you recieve joy, small encouragemetns from the universe. Sometimes big smiles from the expansive life force that binds the pure of heart with all that is equally whole in nature. Sometimes I feel apart of that. It is amazing to behold, in the past I would jump up and down it would make me feel so alive, I made noise but now I feel more humbled. I feel speechless my body wants to move around but I crouch down as low as I can and listen to the peace.

My head is not always a pleasant place. I guess the extreme opposite of these wholly filling emotions are sometimes more of what I feel in connection with. It sickens me. My life force quits and dies. And I have this horrible tendency to look to other people for a solution.

But they are not who I should look to. They offer no comfort or peace. They never will. And that is  a fact. So when I get up on the saddle and I feel like I am riding high and can see all the lovelies in their appropriate positions- when my vision and perceptions are clear, I wonder how does it stay like this forever?!?

I don’t forget the beauty at any point though.

There is beauty in pain as well-

but I live on everytime-

and feel so much more capable every day of being a healthier person.”


About lilmommacass

I worry about the environment. I cloud gaze often. I dream of the sea. Doodler. Waitress. Nomad of sorts. River swimmer. I have a small westie named Lulu that I sleep with like a stuffed animal. And maybe one day they will say, "and who was she really anyway?"
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