These days I am flying solo. I have neglected writing through all of this–I did buy a sketch book that I have documented in frequently with some writing but most times these days I just kind of muse. Just kind of doodle and muse. People absolutely blow my mind. Floor me. I have no idea how to relate anymore.
So my ex-husband and I didn’t work out. I don’t wanna drag that all over the inter-webs but it didn’t work out and I have thought this whole time it would work out over time but at this point–I’m past it. So much became clear to me when we seperated that I don’t think I can allow myself to go back.
Because the past 5 months have been brutal.
And I’m still here, having “fun”. Hanging in there! Big smile…turn annnnnd wave!
I ran off to California after losing my job in Dallas. I tried to run away from my problems. I ended up realizing a lot in the two months I was gone, like how I need to get genuinely happy before I let some guy near my heart. Biggest lesson I learned. Simple one but you know I had never asked myself what I wanted in so long that when I did finally ask myself–I didn’t have an answer. And that tells me that I’m not happy–I’m not driven and I’m not doing anything but wallowing in some long, drawn out thing that died before it ever began. And any guy that gets swept into the thing that is my jet stream, will not be wholesome during this debacle.
Because I beat myself up to much.
So that’s the first thing I want. To quit beating myself up. I ran away to California because I have never lost a job before in my life and when I lost the first job I had had since my seperation, it freaked me out. I thought, I really did–I thought that somehow without him beside me that I was not capable of holding my shit together. And so I left to be with my supposed best friend.
I washed dishes for 2 months. I loved it. I listened to music, zoned out and busted suds happily. So then the place was going under and I got laid off. Losing my second job in a row. And it sent me reeling. All I could think was ABORT! RETREAT! GO HOME! and so that’s what I kinda planned on. For the first time in my life I didn’t have the confidence that I was an asset. And then I met a dude.
And I dunno really what happened there. Wrecked my set. Blew my battleship out of the water. Didn’t see it coming from a mile away and got totally caught off guard. And then as quick as it happened it was over. So here I kinda bobble around in the water still getting my bearings from the whole thing. There is so much to focus on! I have a new job, I have friends around that I haven’t seen in a couple of months, there are issues to “work” through–and all I can do is wonder about something that clearly wasn’t meant to be.
And I become frustrated and lose track of what I’m thinking about. People. Don’t trust’em. Don’t trust them till you’re tough enough to take rejection.