Good times…….for a change…..

I will go ahead and leave that last entry up although I did consider deleting it when I first hopped back on here. I feel like I have just come out of the rabbit hole so to speak and that last entry is a pretty good testament to that.

So many realizations have been made in these past few weeks and days and I intend on them to continue. I came to Colorado for a fresh start and a new beginning–that is true but the past has haunted me and lingered around for what has seemed like years instead of months. These negative emotions have really held me back and I have been kinda miserable since I have moved here. The month of January, I  really started rearranging my life–eliminating stressors, exercising, eating so much better and crying almost on a nightly basis. I have been battling depression for quite a while–the past 2 years have been really dark ever since I split from my ex but all my emotions have been especially amplified the past few months. While everyone was making their resolutions about quitting smoking and going on their diets–I did some really hard thinking about what it would take for me to be happy. At first–thinking about what made me happy almost gave me feelings of panic because I didn’t know. I corrected my diet and exercise because I know these are vital steps towards happiness but I just couldn’t come up with an answer to my personal happiness. It wasn’t a lover, it wasn’t to be skinny, it wasn’t for a new car, I felt like I wanted to relocate but couldn’t come up with a destination, returning to school crossed my mind a few times….I was really beginning to lose my sense of purpose which I state in my last blog post. It took me about 2 or 3 weeks of asking myself “what is it going to take to make me happy?” before anything solid began to emerge. My question eventually changed into “what is making me so unhappy right now?” And as I looked at the forces and things in my life that caused me stress, I began to pinpoint things that I no longer wanted to deal with and set about to eliminate them. If nothing else it would make me happy not to have those negative aspects in my day to day life right? Not by running away as I always do but actually dealing with them and I have to tell you–I’m feeling kinda wonderful right now.

I never imagined it would give me such confidence as it has, feelings of confidence have led to feelings of strength which have led to feelings of knowing thyself. Some of the changes I made were extreme but in the end I think I made the right call. I took time off from work so that I could deal with these things properly–it takes time to clean up your life after all ;)–and now that I feel that I have the major problems at hand addressed–I am now eliminating things that give me a sense of overwhelming. For instance, all the knick knacks in the garage that were suppose to be sold in a garage sale last summer are going to be sold this weekend since the weather will allow it. I dyed the beautiful crocheted lace bedspread I bought at the thrift store last week instead of holding onto to it for 6 months thinking how I should dye it every time I look at it. I cleaned the garage instead of sighing while I thought about how badly it needed to be cleaned like I have been doing since August. And pampering. I really feel like pampering yourself helps establish feelings of self worth–if you don’t look like shit, there are greater chances you don’t feel like shit right? I colored my hair and bought a pair of pants that actually fit and have been taking some very long, relaxing, hot baths.

I feel very centered as a result of all these changes in my life. I feel as if I have established some new lifelong habits–my whole way of thinking has drastically changed. I feel like I can think clearly! And on this full moon, as I write this blog post, drowsy with sleep–I am very optimistic about this upcoming year and the people I have currently surrounding me in my life. Here’s to the year of the lion and to new starts.

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Moving right along here

My father was murdered back in June of 2014. He was beaten for not paying back a debt and got a severe infection in his blood from the bruising. He had quit taking his HIV medicine a month prior unbeknownst to me. His face swelled where he was unable to breathe and he was placed on a respirator and breathing machine. He was on life support more or less for a week. The doctors never called it life support but when I went to the hospital that morning to visit, the Doctor caught me in the room and told me that he was not responding to the antibiotics. She asked what he would want to do. She said that he would have to be given a feeding tube and also that he would be sent to a nursing home most likely the rest of his life if he were to even survive the infection. So when given facts such as these and forced to ask myself what my dad would want–he had already basically told me since he had purposely not taken his medicine for a month prior. And it broke my heart to realize that the loneliness hurt him that bad and angry as well since I hadn’t been able to visit as much as he would have liked but it wasn’t fair because I was allowed to have a life too. It overwhelmed me. Does overwhelm me to think about. We had a fight a month prior to death, I’m guessing which might have been the catalyst for him to decide to quit taking his medication. He was accusing my boyfriend of stealing money which he hadn’t–my father had paid for a trial membership on Hulu and it had expired and debited his card. My father wouldn’t see reason and would not release my boyfriends things until the money was returned. I went into the apartment to get his things–I simply walked in and grabbed his things and walked out of the apartment with my father screaming behind me. To which I responded “Fuck You” when he began to have a coughing spell from yelling so hard. My last words to my father. I shit on him when he held me for the first time and my last words were Fuck You. And yet he is the one, the parent that really understood how I thought and operated, who could talk sense to me and who I guess I kind of identified with. My mother and I are extremely close, similar to best friends that tell each other most everything…my father was pretty much deaf the last years of his life which made it difficult to have in depth conversations. He was the only one that ever would tell me that I wasn’t crazy. And I tended to believe him and know it to be true now. It hurts to think about the way he died, the pain and suffering he felt, it hurts to think about the details of the story and the ironies and the circumstances. I moved to Colorado for a new start of sorts and I will not lie. It has been difficult. Heart breaking as well. Frustrating. I can speak about my fathers death without actually going there in my own mind and then sometimes I lay in bed crying till the wee hours of the morning. I do not seem to be amounting to much which I never really anticipated. But I am 30 now. 29 1/2. And it scares me to realize how little I have accomplished in my time that I have been given. I am waiting tables. And in debt. And not even divorced but SEPARATED and I have to tell you..it kind of makes me wonder what is the point? Wealth isn’t even that important but purpose. I long for purpose.

I can’t really answer what the point is but I do know deep in my gut that impressive things can still happen although most days I am skeptical that they will. I feel jaded in most regards but still have some sort of fight, or hope or something I believe to be possible so I trudge on. And these friends that come in and out of my life–it is so nice to meet them and get to know them and yes it is unfortunate the way life pulls us along our own paths but the friends a long the way–they fill my heart with love and I sincerely hope I touch their hearts as well. I love deeper now that I have no significant other to love than I ever was capable of encompassing earlier in my life. And that is a lonely feeling.

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excerpts from the vaults….

I am going to post a few excerpts from my sketch books from when i was 17-19. I wrote a lot in my sketch books and kept all my old books. recently i have been reading them and finding some kinda neat stuff in my opinion.

this one was written after a picture i had taken of a leaf during fall that had dew on it. i was 17 when i wrote this one i think. kinda cool for what it is i guess.

dew. clear on a red star. leaf. sidewalk cement. 2D square. far away floor. arm. it is my only. myself. mine. glide. clear on a red star. she. on a silhouette side. walk.               ..  as I.

small but clear blue. rise.  Like an open door to glide about spinning in the hustle bustle downtown. I being quite aware of cuts that won’t close. do wish to thank those responsible. changed names to imply guilt. protect nothing and serve the what people? of who I. myself am quiet. hush. children-the phone rings in like a magnet. sons and daughters. the t.v. loathe. is the needle on the record? scratches now, then returns responsibly. the nobody movement transversion sonata. kiss. clear on a sunday morning. promise you hide. but hidden for me. on a yellow sun blue morning day.                                …so that. you can trace a red star. across my cement mind. 3D. time. alone. left to be conquered. by a picture in my hand. and order in the silhouette. dew of real. life.

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So a week has passed since my previous entry and my anger has somehow resided and I was able to gain a bit of clarity yesterday. I feel as if I understand what needs to be done to change my situation now. I see what is causing the distress and it is something I can change. I realize that here lately I have been whining a lot and feeling sorry for myself–I have had the blues but that is no excuse to continually host a pity party. A lot of my misery is the result of poor decisions I have made in the past where I more or less didn’t think about the consequences.  I have become somewhat of a miserable person during the course of actions that have taken place in the past year and prior to this past year, I was pretty miserable in my marriage so my thoughts on the matter is that I have developed the habit of stinking thinking.                                   I always thought, honestly, that my depression was situational and that if I ended the relationship, that I would have relief and become a happier person. However, it wasn’t a nice clean break–and I really don’t feel like I have closure on the matter to this day. It has caused me to feel as if I am stuck in the past. Maybe I should consider an anti-depressant but I feel that before I consider that option I should incorporate exercise into my daily routine, continue with a healthy sleep schedule and avoid stress. I can’t justify taking a pill when I’m not meeting these needs for myself. I know it seems nerdy to document all these things in a blog but I will succeed and I hope that there are those that read this blog that understand the struggle and through my introspection, can realize contributors in their own lives that are leading to their unhappiness.
I am a creative person and when I feel creatively blocked which is how I have felt these past 6 months, I think that leads a lot to my unhappiness. The reason for me feeling so blocked is for lack of space to create while I am currently living with my mother. Drawing and writing is great but I am a little more hands on and NEED to sew, to paint, to spin yarn, to felt, to paint furniture. When I am consistently creating things that I am proud of, I feel productive and accomplished. This may seem like a trite little thing but it is an integral part of my being and the fact that I have neglected these needs are probably a large part to do with my current mindset. I really need to get out of my mom’s house–I am so appreciative that she has helped me as much as she has, I am extremely grateful that I have had the opportunity to get on my feet financially and have the worry of rent taken off my shoulders but it is time for me to move on. I plan on doing this once I have paid my debt to her and have a small nest egg saved.
The loneliness that I feel from being single, really gets the best of sometimes. I do fine for a while but then I meet someone and the company feels nice and sometimes it ends up sucking me into a not so great situation. So I have to be strong, I don’t need a boyfriend and I am not looking for a husband but sometimes, I remember the feeling of being in love and I crave it. The disappointment of not finding it time after time seems to be taking a toll as well but I think if I just wait to seriously date till when I am living on my own and wait till I am truly happy and in a position to deal with the stresses of a relationship in a more mature manner, I think then it would be a more appropriate time when I could actually find someone worth investing in. My judgement feels really cloudy right now.                                               Well, good pep talk. Time to bring this to a close.

 

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All Things Repeated

I am filled with anger once again. It is anger for myself more than anything I suppose that I can’t seem to get it right.  Seriously becoming open to the idea that I have some sort of horrible karmic energy surrounding me. But I am going to shake it off. I have no idea how or what that entails but I know if I am doing everything right to my best ability, it’s gonna work out. That’s all you can ever do.

I’m always talking about the desire to get back to the garden as I call it–just to get back to being ME instead of this person that has been so influenced by all these outside forces and I swear, it’s been so long that I don’t remember how I use to do it. I use to be aloof and headstrong and INDEPENDENT. I just can’t wrap my mind how night and day different I am now compared to the ghost of what I was.

So today, gonna get off work and go run. Gonna run till my chest expands and burns so bad for need of more air and then I am gonna run some more. I want to be winded. I want to relax. And then I am gonna go buy War and Peace and I am going to read that humongous book and withdraw into my head till I reemerge with the ability to deal with the majority.

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It’s a flower buddin’

It amazes me how much space and environment influence my mood and productivity. I am very grateful my mom has given me a place to stay but I feel so disorganized and NOT AT HOME that it really is beginning to affect my nerves.

My dream more than anything right now–is to be able to have my own space, with my own kitchen, my own things and decorations, my shows on the TV when I feel like watching TV, my music loud the rest of the time. I want a sewing desk with my sewing machine on it, I want a mess of fabric of everywhere–I want to love my space more than anything. I want to thoroughly enjoy being at home. I don’t want it to be expensive-it can be itty bitty-I have had itty bitty and I am more than content with small spaces. Literally. I lived in an RV for pete’s sake and an efficiency at one point too. This needs to happen in a big way.

Not having a space where I can distract myself causes me to dwell on my thoughts and my unhappiness. I heard something quoted by a monk or something–can’t quite remember where it is from but I find myself repeating it a lot here lately. “Those that think about the past are depressed, Those that think about the future are anxious but those that think about the present are at peace.” I guess I have been thinking that so much because I constantly think about how awesome it was to be married and that will surely make one depressed when they are no longer married.

I never realized how much I enjoyed my husband’s company until I didn’t have his company anymore. We had some nasty arguments over the course of time and those were not pleasant by any means but I still reminiscence about the “good ol’ days”. This past year has really changed me and what satisfied me at one point, would not satisfy me now if that makes sense. I tried working things out with my ex-husband but I don’t feel like there is any going back tt the “good ol’ days” because neither one of us are the same people we were when we were together.

Dallas is not where my heart is. I think about when we lived in other cities a lot and how great our weekend getaways use to be. A great weekend back in the day would involve waking up late on a Saturday, making coffee and then adventuring out together. Sometimes we would take a trip for the weekend. We were spontaneous. There were many times we would decide on a Saturday morning to drive to the beach for the weekend. I would drive his huge work truck and he would just listen to me ramble. I would talk and talk and talk and yes sometimes he was bored but he always just let me talk. And he would pay attention. And I appreciated that. I would play my music and sing and he would read a magazine. It was so EASY.

Another great thing about my ex-husband was the fact that he would try anything. He even picked up crocheting and crocheted a hat. I would crochet and he would practice and eventually he followed a pattern and make a little red hat out of some cheap acrylic “Red Heart”. I started spinning yarn–he learned too. I wanted to paint some furniture, he bought the paints, helped me sand and then helped me paint. Things were so normal and ordinary they were boring most of the time but at least I had company through the boredom even if I didn’t realize it.

He was kind and supportive even though I took that for granted a lot of times. He was a special individual. We grew apart and continue to grow apart as obviously we aren’t together anymore. Sometimes, I wonder why I never find myself content with the boys I have dated since we split. Sometimes, I feel so shallow because I often times do not find myself attracted to them. But that isn’t true. My ex-husband was not a hunk by any means. He was a bean-pole…I called him “my skinny”.  I was always attracted to him. When I first met my ex husband in person I didn’t really give him a chance because his clothes were dirty and had holes in them and his hair was all grown out. That was his style–after we started dating nothing about his appearance changed.. I encouraged him to get haircuts regularly but his hair grew faster than he could get a barber.

No it was his personality.

He was so funny. He had such bad anxiety about meeting people but usually people clicked with him more than they did with me. He would give anyone a chance, he would listen to things that you told him even if he couldn’t remember the details or your name a few minutes later. He was a mess. He had a good heart. We were always in agreement about matters of the heart.

Is it good to relive these memories? It makes me so happy to think about these things but I tear up every time because I realize how much I had to be grateful for and how ungrateful I really was. I do not find myself guilty for the things that have happened but I see the part I played. We really loved each other and there was a period of time that I was thrilled to be alive and to have him in my life. I took pride in being married to him. I want that feeling again.

One day I will feel like that again hopefully. But for now, I just want a space. A space where I can stay up all night, cook at 1 am, have my afghans and my clutter and if I’m bored, I will go out with friends or have them over. I will make new friends. I will develop new habits. I will leave this crossroads behind.

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human behavior

So the holidays are over and I feel pretty relived. Thanksgiving was great, Christmas was pretty hard emotionally and I wasn’t able to afford presents which I realize is not what Christmas is about but I really enjoy giving so I was pretty bummed about that. New Years Eve was just another day/night really.

The few times I have written on this blog the past 6 months or so I have been writing about how I want to just be independent really from depending on others to lift my mood. I talk about it a lot but I keep committing the same mistakes.

So, back in October my ex-husband and I tried to work things out which lasted for 1 month exactly. He fell back off the sober wagon and I just don’t want the rest of my life to be this roller coaster of things are great/things really suck bc he is using again and ruining both our lives. If you have never had to deal with an addict, I don’t think you can fully wrap your mind around how hard it is to just turn your back on them. Yes, drugs are bad. Yes, they make people do bad things but if you knew those people prior to their addiction and you know how good a heart they have/had–you see the substance controlling them and their actions and you just get this mentality that if they can just sober up everything will be like it was. That isn’t the case though. It is a really hard lesson to learn. My ex-husband had been sober for a few months and we had been talking on the phone as friends and I was extreamly proud of him and so happy to hear him talking like himself again. But he ended up losing his job and went back to his old habits almost instantly. I got it in my head that I could prevent it from getting really bad like it was before if I could convince him to go rehab. He ended up calling and begging me to take him to rehab so I didn’t hesitate, I went and picked him up from west texas. I never anticipated it would be so hard to find him help. I thought it would be the same as mental health and we would be able to find him a free place but the rehab facilities available for low income were based off last years income and he made good money last year. The ones that would take anyone seemed more like a prison. And the nice ones cost an arm and a leg. That was a hopeless feeling. He started going to NA meetings frequently, we began to run a mile everyday and he started making juices from vegetables and fruits. But I guess the monkey on his back got the better of him and eventually one night, he ended up taking my car while I was asleep and got high. He was up for 3 days after that and it was like a nightmare so I had to face facts and just walk away.

If I had the makings of trust issues before, I would say they are huge issues now. I really don’t know how to move on from this point. I know for certain that I don’t want a guy in my life for a very, very long time and I know that I will never have sex with anyone without protection ever again. How stupid can you get? I know that I look at myself now and I don’t resemble anything I recognize. I work part time at a clothing store and make pennies. I haven’t finished school, I haven’t done anything responsible for a really long time but instead I have run from relationship to relationship and every time something worse seems to happen.

The fling dude has been trying to woo me. I say I am going to stay home in my pajamas and he begs me to come out with him because he doesn’t know anyone here yet and needs to get out of his house so never fails, I get dressed and go. None of my friends take no for an answer. I get walked all over. I am tired of my behavior. People are about to get their feelings hurt but if they don’t fuck off I am going to end up in the loony bin. PEOPLE ARE WEIRD.

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