I will go ahead and leave that last entry up although I did consider deleting it when I first hopped back on here. I feel like I have just come out of the rabbit hole so to speak and that last entry is a pretty good testament to that.
So many realizations have been made in these past few weeks and days and I intend on them to continue. I came to Colorado for a fresh start and a new beginning–that is true but the past has haunted me and lingered around for what has seemed like years instead of months. These negative emotions have really held me back and I have been kinda miserable since I have moved here. The month of January, I really started rearranging my life–eliminating stressors, exercising, eating so much better and crying almost on a nightly basis. I have been battling depression for quite a while–the past 2 years have been really dark ever since I split from my ex but all my emotions have been especially amplified the past few months. While everyone was making their resolutions about quitting smoking and going on their diets–I did some really hard thinking about what it would take for me to be happy. At first–thinking about what made me happy almost gave me feelings of panic because I didn’t know. I corrected my diet and exercise because I know these are vital steps towards happiness but I just couldn’t come up with an answer to my personal happiness. It wasn’t a lover, it wasn’t to be skinny, it wasn’t for a new car, I felt like I wanted to relocate but couldn’t come up with a destination, returning to school crossed my mind a few times….I was really beginning to lose my sense of purpose which I state in my last blog post. It took me about 2 or 3 weeks of asking myself “what is it going to take to make me happy?” before anything solid began to emerge. My question eventually changed into “what is making me so unhappy right now?” And as I looked at the forces and things in my life that caused me stress, I began to pinpoint things that I no longer wanted to deal with and set about to eliminate them. If nothing else it would make me happy not to have those negative aspects in my day to day life right? Not by running away as I always do but actually dealing with them and I have to tell you–I’m feeling kinda wonderful right now.
I never imagined it would give me such confidence as it has, feelings of confidence have led to feelings of strength which have led to feelings of knowing thyself. Some of the changes I made were extreme but in the end I think I made the right call. I took time off from work so that I could deal with these things properly–it takes time to clean up your life after all ;)–and now that I feel that I have the major problems at hand addressed–I am now eliminating things that give me a sense of overwhelming. For instance, all the knick knacks in the garage that were suppose to be sold in a garage sale last summer are going to be sold this weekend since the weather will allow it. I dyed the beautiful crocheted lace bedspread I bought at the thrift store last week instead of holding onto to it for 6 months thinking how I should dye it every time I look at it. I cleaned the garage instead of sighing while I thought about how badly it needed to be cleaned like I have been doing since August. And pampering. I really feel like pampering yourself helps establish feelings of self worth–if you don’t look like shit, there are greater chances you don’t feel like shit right? I colored my hair and bought a pair of pants that actually fit and have been taking some very long, relaxing, hot baths.
I feel very centered as a result of all these changes in my life. I feel as if I have established some new lifelong habits–my whole way of thinking has drastically changed. I feel like I can think clearly! And on this full moon, as I write this blog post, drowsy with sleep–I am very optimistic about this upcoming year and the people I have currently surrounding me in my life. Here’s to the year of the lion and to new starts.