excerpts from the vaults….

I am going to post a few excerpts from my sketch books from when i was 17-19. I wrote a lot in my sketch books and kept all my old books. recently i have been reading them and finding some kinda neat stuff in my opinion.

this one was written after a picture i had taken of a leaf during fall that had dew on it. i was 17 when i wrote this one i think. kinda cool for what it is i guess.

dew. clear on a red star. leaf. sidewalk cement. 2D square. far away floor. arm. it is my only. myself. mine. glide. clear on a red star. she. on a silhouette side. walk.               ..  as I.

small but clear blue. rise.  Like an open door to glide about spinning in the hustle bustle downtown. I being quite aware of cuts that won’t close. do wish to thank those responsible. changed names to imply guilt. protect nothing and serve the what people? of who I. myself am quiet. hush. children-the phone rings in like a magnet. sons and daughters. the t.v. loathe. is the needle on the record? scratches now, then returns responsibly. the nobody movement transversion sonata. kiss. clear on a sunday morning. promise you hide. but hidden for me. on a yellow sun blue morning day.                                …so that. you can trace a red star. across my cement mind. 3D. time. alone. left to be conquered. by a picture in my hand. and order in the silhouette. dew of real. life.

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So a week has passed since my previous entry and my anger has somehow resided and I was able to gain a bit of clarity yesterday. I feel as if I understand what needs to be done to change my situation now. I see what is causing the distress and it is something I can change. I realize that here lately I have been whining a lot and feeling sorry for myself–I have had the blues but that is no excuse to continually host a pity party. A lot of my misery is the result of poor decisions I have made in the past where I more or less didn’t think about the consequences.  I have become somewhat of a miserable person during the course of actions that have taken place in the past year and prior to this past year, I was pretty miserable in my marriage so my thoughts on the matter is that I have developed the habit of stinking thinking.                                   I always thought, honestly, that my depression was situational and that if I ended the relationship, that I would have relief and become a happier person. However, it wasn’t a nice clean break–and I really don’t feel like I have closure on the matter to this day. It has caused me to feel as if I am stuck in the past. Maybe I should consider an anti-depressant but I feel that before I consider that option I should incorporate exercise into my daily routine, continue with a healthy sleep schedule and avoid stress. I can’t justify taking a pill when I’m not meeting these needs for myself. I know it seems nerdy to document all these things in a blog but I will succeed and I hope that there are those that read this blog that understand the struggle and through my introspection, can realize contributors in their own lives that are leading to their unhappiness.
I am a creative person and when I feel creatively blocked which is how I have felt these past 6 months, I think that leads a lot to my unhappiness. The reason for me feeling so blocked is for lack of space to create while I am currently living with my mother. Drawing and writing is great but I am a little more hands on and NEED to sew, to paint, to spin yarn, to felt, to paint furniture. When I am consistently creating things that I am proud of, I feel productive and accomplished. This may seem like a trite little thing but it is an integral part of my being and the fact that I have neglected these needs are probably a large part to do with my current mindset. I really need to get out of my mom’s house–I am so appreciative that she has helped me as much as she has, I am extremely grateful that I have had the opportunity to get on my feet financially and have the worry of rent taken off my shoulders but it is time for me to move on. I plan on doing this once I have paid my debt to her and have a small nest egg saved.
The loneliness that I feel from being single, really gets the best of sometimes. I do fine for a while but then I meet someone and the company feels nice and sometimes it ends up sucking me into a not so great situation. So I have to be strong, I don’t need a boyfriend and I am not looking for a husband but sometimes, I remember the feeling of being in love and I crave it. The disappointment of not finding it time after time seems to be taking a toll as well but I think if I just wait to seriously date till when I am living on my own and wait till I am truly happy and in a position to deal with the stresses of a relationship in a more mature manner, I think then it would be a more appropriate time when I could actually find someone worth investing in. My judgement feels really cloudy right now.                                               Well, good pep talk. Time to bring this to a close.

 

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All Things Repeated

I am filled with anger once again. It is anger for myself more than anything I suppose that I can’t seem to get it right.  Seriously becoming open to the idea that I have some sort of horrible karmic energy surrounding me. But I am going to shake it off. I have no idea how or what that entails but I know if I am doing everything right to my best ability, it’s gonna work out. That’s all you can ever do.

I’m always talking about the desire to get back to the garden as I call it–just to get back to being ME instead of this person that has been so influenced by all these outside forces and I swear, it’s been so long that I don’t remember how I use to do it. I use to be aloof and headstrong and INDEPENDENT. I just can’t wrap my mind how night and day different I am now compared to the ghost of what I was.

So today, gonna get off work and go run. Gonna run till my chest expands and burns so bad for need of more air and then I am gonna run some more. I want to be winded. I want to relax. And then I am gonna go buy War and Peace and I am going to read that humongous book and withdraw into my head till I reemerge with the ability to deal with the majority.

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It’s a flower buddin’

It amazes me how much space and environment influence my mood and productivity. I am very grateful my mom has given me a place to stay but I feel so disorganized and NOT AT HOME that it really is beginning to affect my nerves.

My dream more than anything right now–is to be able to have my own space, with my own kitchen, my own things and decorations, my shows on the TV when I feel like watching TV, my music loud the rest of the time. I want a sewing desk with my sewing machine on it, I want a mess of fabric of everywhere–I want to love my space more than anything. I want to thoroughly enjoy being at home. I don’t want it to be expensive-it can be itty bitty-I have had itty bitty and I am more than content with small spaces. Literally. I lived in an RV for pete’s sake and an efficiency at one point too. This needs to happen in a big way.

Not having a space where I can distract myself causes me to dwell on my thoughts and my unhappiness. I heard something quoted by a monk or something–can’t quite remember where it is from but I find myself repeating it a lot here lately. “Those that think about the past are depressed, Those that think about the future are anxious but those that think about the present are at peace.” I guess I have been thinking that so much because I constantly think about how awesome it was to be married and that will surely make one depressed when they are no longer married.

I never realized how much I enjoyed my husband’s company until I didn’t have his company anymore. We had some nasty arguments over the course of time and those were not pleasant by any means but I still reminiscence about the “good ol’ days”. This past year has really changed me and what satisfied me at one point, would not satisfy me now if that makes sense. I tried working things out with my ex-husband but I don’t feel like there is any going back tt the “good ol’ days” because neither one of us are the same people we were when we were together.

Dallas is not where my heart is. I think about when we lived in other cities a lot and how great our weekend getaways use to be. A great weekend back in the day would involve waking up late on a Saturday, making coffee and then adventuring out together. Sometimes we would take a trip for the weekend. We were spontaneous. There were many times we would decide on a Saturday morning to drive to the beach for the weekend. I would drive his huge work truck and he would just listen to me ramble. I would talk and talk and talk and yes sometimes he was bored but he always just let me talk. And he would pay attention. And I appreciated that. I would play my music and sing and he would read a magazine. It was so EASY.

Another great thing about my ex-husband was the fact that he would try anything. He even picked up crocheting and crocheted a hat. I would crochet and he would practice and eventually he followed a pattern and make a little red hat out of some cheap acrylic “Red Heart”. I started spinning yarn–he learned too. I wanted to paint some furniture, he bought the paints, helped me sand and then helped me paint. Things were so normal and ordinary they were boring most of the time but at least I had company through the boredom even if I didn’t realize it.

He was kind and supportive even though I took that for granted a lot of times. He was a special individual. We grew apart and continue to grow apart as obviously we aren’t together anymore. Sometimes, I wonder why I never find myself content with the boys I have dated since we split. Sometimes, I feel so shallow because I often times do not find myself attracted to them. But that isn’t true. My ex-husband was not a hunk by any means. He was a bean-pole…I called him “my skinny”.  I was always attracted to him. When I first met my ex husband in person I didn’t really give him a chance because his clothes were dirty and had holes in them and his hair was all grown out. That was his style–after we started dating nothing about his appearance changed.. I encouraged him to get haircuts regularly but his hair grew faster than he could get a barber.

No it was his personality.

He was so funny. He had such bad anxiety about meeting people but usually people clicked with him more than they did with me. He would give anyone a chance, he would listen to things that you told him even if he couldn’t remember the details or your name a few minutes later. He was a mess. He had a good heart. We were always in agreement about matters of the heart.

Is it good to relive these memories? It makes me so happy to think about these things but I tear up every time because I realize how much I had to be grateful for and how ungrateful I really was. I do not find myself guilty for the things that have happened but I see the part I played. We really loved each other and there was a period of time that I was thrilled to be alive and to have him in my life. I took pride in being married to him. I want that feeling again.

One day I will feel like that again hopefully. But for now, I just want a space. A space where I can stay up all night, cook at 1 am, have my afghans and my clutter and if I’m bored, I will go out with friends or have them over. I will make new friends. I will develop new habits. I will leave this crossroads behind.

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human behavior

So the holidays are over and I feel pretty relived. Thanksgiving was great, Christmas was pretty hard emotionally and I wasn’t able to afford presents which I realize is not what Christmas is about but I really enjoy giving so I was pretty bummed about that. New Years Eve was just another day/night really.

The few times I have written on this blog the past 6 months or so I have been writing about how I want to just be independent really from depending on others to lift my mood. I talk about it a lot but I keep committing the same mistakes.

So, back in October my ex-husband and I tried to work things out which lasted for 1 month exactly. He fell back off the sober wagon and I just don’t want the rest of my life to be this roller coaster of things are great/things really suck bc he is using again and ruining both our lives. If you have never had to deal with an addict, I don’t think you can fully wrap your mind around how hard it is to just turn your back on them. Yes, drugs are bad. Yes, they make people do bad things but if you knew those people prior to their addiction and you know how good a heart they have/had–you see the substance controlling them and their actions and you just get this mentality that if they can just sober up everything will be like it was. That isn’t the case though. It is a really hard lesson to learn. My ex-husband had been sober for a few months and we had been talking on the phone as friends and I was extreamly proud of him and so happy to hear him talking like himself again. But he ended up losing his job and went back to his old habits almost instantly. I got it in my head that I could prevent it from getting really bad like it was before if I could convince him to go rehab. He ended up calling and begging me to take him to rehab so I didn’t hesitate, I went and picked him up from west texas. I never anticipated it would be so hard to find him help. I thought it would be the same as mental health and we would be able to find him a free place but the rehab facilities available for low income were based off last years income and he made good money last year. The ones that would take anyone seemed more like a prison. And the nice ones cost an arm and a leg. That was a hopeless feeling. He started going to NA meetings frequently, we began to run a mile everyday and he started making juices from vegetables and fruits. But I guess the monkey on his back got the better of him and eventually one night, he ended up taking my car while I was asleep and got high. He was up for 3 days after that and it was like a nightmare so I had to face facts and just walk away.

If I had the makings of trust issues before, I would say they are huge issues now. I really don’t know how to move on from this point. I know for certain that I don’t want a guy in my life for a very, very long time and I know that I will never have sex with anyone without protection ever again. How stupid can you get? I know that I look at myself now and I don’t resemble anything I recognize. I work part time at a clothing store and make pennies. I haven’t finished school, I haven’t done anything responsible for a really long time but instead I have run from relationship to relationship and every time something worse seems to happen.

The fling dude has been trying to woo me. I say I am going to stay home in my pajamas and he begs me to come out with him because he doesn’t know anyone here yet and needs to get out of his house so never fails, I get dressed and go. None of my friends take no for an answer. I get walked all over. I am tired of my behavior. People are about to get their feelings hurt but if they don’t fuck off I am going to end up in the loony bin. PEOPLE ARE WEIRD.

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Star Gazing at My Love

I wrote this in my journal today and thought it was worth sharing….

I am just going to type it exactly as I wrote it originally because I like the honesty and simplicity of it.

“I am reminded of the girl that day I saw at Slab Creek. I sat on top of the waterfall, watching the water fall off the upper level and foam at the bottom and the current pull the water out towards the main fork of the river. And I saw me-I was so happy and complete. I had so much understanding and compassion.At the timeit was something to strive for. Because I still had anger and hurt in me that hadn’t left my insides. But I loved the way it felt when I saw myself so free and clean. I never forgot her.

I am still striving for towards her. I might always be striving but the anger and hurt is less and less. My understanding is in check by my acceptance of the way this life presents itself. Sometimes you don’t end up the winner but sometimes you recieve joy, small encouragemetns from the universe. Sometimes big smiles from the expansive life force that binds the pure of heart with all that is equally whole in nature. Sometimes I feel apart of that. It is amazing to behold, in the past I would jump up and down it would make me feel so alive, I made noise but now I feel more humbled. I feel speechless my body wants to move around but I crouch down as low as I can and listen to the peace.

My head is not always a pleasant place. I guess the extreme opposite of these wholly filling emotions are sometimes more of what I feel in connection with. It sickens me. My life force quits and dies. And I have this horrible tendency to look to other people for a solution.

But they are not who I should look to. They offer no comfort or peace. They never will. And that is  a fact. So when I get up on the saddle and I feel like I am riding high and can see all the lovelies in their appropriate positions- when my vision and perceptions are clear, I wonder how does it stay like this forever?!?

I don’t forget the beauty at any point though.

There is beauty in pain as well-

but I live on everytime-

and feel so much more capable every day of being a healthier person.”

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Oh! the places you will go….

I am done letting all these selfish, uninspiring, disgusting leeches suck the life force from me. Honestly. It’s time to get some shit done. I am breaking away from the pack. I am not bitter, I have no grudges with anyone, I have taken the past week to say good-byes in my heart and commit to rewriting my future.

I say re-writing my future because I know for a fact that we truly do create our reality. That is a huge concept. I finally get it.

And I know what I want and I’m not going to sit around saying “I want to do this”–I am just going to do it.

Maybe you have been in a race before. And maybe the opponent was not really a threat–you knew you would win before it began. So you didn’t really try. And maybe you actually ended up losing but it wasn’t because of your capability, it was because you flat out didn’t try. Because you didn’t need to prove it to yourself.

I have gone thus far in life not even competing.

My passion is not writing or drawing or any one thing in particular–my passion is just quite simply…my imagination.

Edmund Burke said “There is a boundary to men’s passions when they act from feelings; but none when they are under the influence of imagination.”

I guess what I am trying to say is that my imagination is about to be revealed in a very big way. And that is the only promise I can guarantee.

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